Really Big Problem.

I am really so very touched. Everytime I get stressed out, there's somebody to remind me that they care! Like my friend Nana, she always takes the time to check on me and tell me things I need to know, it's like having my own little advice columnist! I'm really grateful that she's my friend--of course I'm grateful for all of my friends--because besides being sweet and kind, she is obviously a lot smarter than me! I had no idea that...oh, I guess you guys don't know yet...whoever's reading this. Here:

Hi Tohru, I'm sorry if I offended you. I really didn't mean to. Like I said, I didn't witness the event, and I don't know either of you in person, so I can't really know what happened. It's just that what you said scared me, what he did really isn't appropriate, and the way you phrased your entry it sounded like you were terrified. Either I misread it, or you need to work on how you say things.

Whatever though, I'm glad you're okay and that I was mistaken. I'd still advise you to be careful, though. The fact that you owe him for letting you live in his house doesn't mean that, if something more serious should happen, you shouldn't tell anyone. Parents do this to their kids, you know, and kids owe their parents everything. But if it happens it should go straight to the police.

Anyway I'm not saying he'll do anything. I'm really not. I just want you to have this information in your head, just in case he or anyone else ever tries to--I looked at your profile picture, and you're quite pretty, so I imagine you get a lot of random guys hitting on you in the street--I know I do! These friends of yours, Yuki and Kyo? They seem to want to protect you, so let them, okay? And you knowing how to punch is a really good thing, yay for Kyo for teaching you!

Okay, enough of this, I'm belaboring the point. How are you these days? Anything special going on? I'm personally finishing up school for the year, I've had a whole bunch of final papers and exams to keep me busy, which is why I haven't been able to reply for so long. Just two more tests and I'm done, though! (And packing and moving back home, but ACADEMICALLY...) Anyway, I hope everything's going well for you. Write me back when you can!




Yeah, I had no idea that parents did weird sex things with their kids. My mom never touched me funny at all, and I don't think my dad would have either! Of course I can't remember him very well, I was only two when he died...I think most of my memories of him are probably made up.

Well, it's been a looong week and I am so looking forward to Sunday which is, sadly, still a day and a half away. Of course I still have work on Sunday, but only for half the day, and I get to spend a lot more time with Shigure and Yuki and Kyou on Sundays, we've even been talking about going on a picnic! I'm really excited about that.

Well, I posted that other stuff yesterday, and I'm posting again today. I'm getting to be quite the blogger! I think that's what this writing stuff is called...I wonder if Shigure has a blog? I'd like so much to know his inner thoughts, but I doubt that he'd let strange people online know what he's really thinking. Shigure seems so mysterious, although he's also very friendly and outgoing. I can't imagine that he'd admit his true feelings, even in a private diary that nobody else could see. I wonder about him all the time. What is he thinking? What is he feeling? He confuses me sometimes. I'll think that he wants something but I don't know what that something is. I'm sure it's just because I'm too stupid to understand.

On a really, really bad note--I guess, honestly I'm not that happy at all, this is kind of ruining everybody's day--Hatori called a couple of hours ago and let us know that Akito is missing. Shigure and Yuki went over to the Main House to help look for him. He's been gone for almost two days now! We're getting really worried, Hatori says Akito has never disappeared for this long and that he has a really bad feeling about this. Me and Kyou aren't allowed on the main Souma property without special permission, which Akito hasn't given because Akito isn't around to give it.

I really hope he's okay. It scares me to try and think about what might have happened to him. Akito strikes me as being the very reliable type--I don't think it's like him to just up and disappear like that. And he's sick, besides. Shigure said that Hatori is a nervous wreck because Akito has gone too long without his medication--there is a very real possiblity that he is dead or dying right now. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I haven't known Akito for very long and when we met he didn't seem to like me very much, but I have a feeling that he's not as bad of a person as he...well, he doesn't seem to be a bad person, I just think that people interpret him that way. Some people have trouble controlling their emotions is all, and Akito has suffered an awful lot. Imagine being sick and lonely and scared of dying your whole life long!

I really hope he's okay. I feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm just worried, and I don't really know what else to say but it kind of feels better to get these worried feelings out of me. I wish I could help go look for him. Hatori said he'd send for me and Kyou if things got urgent, whatever that means. Oh, well. I'm gonna go talk to Mom about this, maybe she'll know what to do.

Bye.

?? :(

My friendly helper has sent me this scary message:



It's good to see that you don't mind my commentary. It's also good to see that this Shigure person is NOT your father, because that would make things quite a bit worse. While it's very nice of this man to give you a place to live, it is NOT nice of him to do what you just described. That's sexual abuse, sweetie. He's...how much older than you? You didn't say. And obviously I wasn't there, so I don't know the full story, but it very much seems like it was unwanted. That is NOT how you explain the concept of orgasm, forcing someone to look at your genitals is sexual abuse. You could have him arrested. I'm not necessarily saying that you should, but please, be wary around this man. If it keeps up, you should probably call the cops, or find some other place to stay. Someone who would do that might move onto something more drastic. I know it's none of my business, but I really don't want you getting raped. PLEASE BE CAREFUL I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.Good luck to you, and I'm sorry once again for butting in.~Nana


Oh no! I didn't mean to make people think that Shigure's a bad person. He would never abuse me, it's not like that! Rape is something that criminals do and Shigure has never been in trouble with the law, he is an upstanding citizen! I'm sure that if it was bad at all he didn't mean to do it--some people just have trouble with self-control. Yuki and Kyou call him a pervert all the time but Shigure is never anything but nice to me. I'm sure that what he showed me was just his way of trying to help. And I didn't entirely mind, either. It was very educational!

Shigure is 27, and he's a popular novelist, and a very kind man that has been there for me after my mom died. I could never be angry with him for anything. I really, really need him and we're great friends; I can forgive him for anything!

Thanks Nana for trying to help, but please don't say anything bad about him, I think you're just misunderstanding. Anyhow, don't worry about me: I am really careful. And Kyou taught me how to punch! I'm not worried about anything; the world is a beautiful place where bad things sometimes happen. But I've been blessed so much lately--how could anything bad come from living with Shigure? He's the most amazing person I know, besides Yuki. I always want to be around him. 'Cause I love him! ^_^

Thanks, though. I really appreciate it. You're so nice to me!

Oops, looks like I was too hasty...

Here is a very helpful comment that I recieved from a very friendly person online:


Hey! I hope you're not too freaked out by my random intrusion, I was just browsing the Internet and I came across your blog...couldn't help replying, really. My name's Nana, and it's good to meet you! Anyway, I thought I'd answer the question in your most recent entry, to spare you awkward conversation with this Shigure person. An orgasm is a set of muscle contractions that occur at the peak of sexual pleasure. For a guy, it's usually associated with ejaculation, and a girl might have some fluid come out of her...but it's more the feeling than the excretion. I can see why the guys in your house were a little iffy about explaining it to you--I once asked my mom just as my stepbrother was walking in the room, and he was really embarrassed, so was I! Anyway, I hope that was helpful. Sorry if you don't want a random stranger telling you these things, I just thought it'd be easier on you than asking somebody you know.Oh, I see on your profile that you liked the movie 'The Wedding Singer'! Have you heard the soundtrack? It's really good, I've been listening to it ever since I was little...I've never seen the movie all the way through though, is it good?Well, it was good talking to you! Have a spiffy day, and sorry if my comments are unwelcome!~Nana

Wow, thanks so much, Nana! Unfortunately, I already had the awkward conversation with Shigure. And boy was it awkward! I don't think I've ever had such an awkward "conversation" in all my life. I wrote it about it in the last entry. I'm kind of embarrassed of it. I might take it down.

Oh yeah, the Wedding Singer is a great movie! I have seen it all the way through, I haven't heard the soundtrack though, I like that one song by that Billy Idol person, though. It goes something like, "nice day for a white wedding..." I always liked that song because it sounded like he was really trying to say that it wasn't a nice day for any kind of wedding, although he was saying something entirely different with his words.

Please, don't worry at all that your comments are unwelcome! I am really happy to recieve advice from someone as great as you! I only wish I'd recieved it sooner before I went and embarrassed myself in front of my host...father? Wow, I'm not sure what Shigure is to me, actually. Funny that I never really thought about it. He was just kind of...there. In a wonderful, beautiful, comforting way, making me feel safe and loved.

How terrible to think that I've been taking advantage of him! I will have to try harder to appreciate him from now on. Even though we had that embarrassing moment together, I am going to try and get over that, and talk to him more often. I shouldn't neglect to get to know someone as wonderful as Shigure.

And he really is very handsome, you know. Not pretty like Yuki, but handsome like a very strong man is supposed to be handsome.

Oh no, I'm rambling again! Thank you so much, Nana! And thank you everyone who even considered giving me advice! I appreciate it so so much!

He made me promise...

WOW. Tonight was really weird! Poor Yuki, he seemed so upset at dinner but he wouldn't tell me why. I fixed him his favorite dish, and he seemed so distracted. His hands were shaking and his one of his eyes was doing something funny. He seemed really nervous. He hardly touched his food and he went upstairs very quickly and started slamming things. Kyou seemed very bothered by this but he didn't say much. He didn't even insult Yuki while they were at the table together, not once!

Shigure kept on laughing at random moments. That is really not so strange for him, except he was doing it more than usual tonight.

Um...speaking of Shigure, I asked him the question.

And he...

kind of...

showed me something.

...

He said it would help me understand it better. Orgasm. I kind of wish I'd never read that word anywhere, now. Because...what Shigure showed me--it is doing something funny to my private parts and my stomach to remember it.

I asked him what one was after I'd finished washing the dishes. He was in his study writing something. I knocked on the door and he said, "Welcome!" Loud and cheerful, like always. I was suddenly nervous. I closed the door behind me and stood in front of his desk with my hands crossed in front of me, like I stand in front of teachers sometimes when I'm hoping they will like me.

I asked him and he gave me a funny look--shocked, and pleased, I think. And then he told me in a whisper that he would show me, rather than tell me, if I thought I could keep it a secret. I whispered back that I would. He made me promise. Then...he told me to sit down in the chair across from him, and he told me that what I was about to see was for grown-up ladies only. It made me feel very special that he thought I was old enough to see something like that, so I tried to look grateful.

Then...

oh my goodness, I'm so embarrassed! It's just... I didn't expect him to do that. I didn't know that... it would look like that.

He...opened up his robes and showed me his privates. He called it his manhood. I closed my eyes when he showed me, because good girls don't look at things like that! That's what Mom told me. But then Shigure reminded me that I'm not a little girl anymore. He told me that if I wanted to be a good wife and mother someday then I would watch what he was about to do. It was a learning experience, he said.

So...I opened my eyes and tried to pay attention. It wasn't very hard!

He started rubbing it, slow at first, and then faster. His man-part got really hard and long--it grew to like twice its size! I didn't know that could happen. It was fascinating, but I couldn't exactly think logically about it while it was going on. I was so red in the face, and it felt like the rest of me was bright red too. He didn't seem embarrassed to have me watching him--in fact, he seemed to really like it.

Right toward the end, he went stiff all over, and moaned softly, and this white stuff came out of the end of it. He was talking to me while the whole thing was going on, explaining everything. He said that guys had to do this at least once a day or they went crazy. He also said that was called masturbation. He gave a bunch of other names for it that didn't sound very nice. He told me never to repeat them in public, although it was a good idea to say them in private, while I was masturbating.

I was already so embarrassed by what was happening, but I couldn't help feeling curious, too. I asked him how I could do something like that since I had different private parts from him. He said that if I came over there to him then he would show me. I laughed and said maybe later. Then I thanked him and left as quickly as I could.

Right now, alone in my room as I type this, I am kind of wishing that I hadn't been so nervous that I didn't let him show me. This burning feeling won't let up and I don't understand why it's happening. I know that Shigure is willing to educate me about it, though. And that is very tempting right now.

Sad thing is, I can't even ask Yuki to explain this anymore.

Shigure made me promise not to tell.

Can anyone help me?

I stumbled across a really interesting word in one of Shigure's romance novels today. The word was orgasm. I didn't understand what it meant, and I know that Yuki is really smart so I asked him to explain it to me. He just turned really red and asked me where I'd seen it. I...kind of lied. I didn't mean to though! I just...didn't want to get into any trouble, or have anyone else think less of me. Shigure told me once that his books were too old for me so I should stay away from them. But I don't think they're too old because the publication date is really recent--only a couple of years back. And besides...I think he meant for me to read them after all, because he left this one (Stranger Encounters) propping open the door of his study when he knew I'd be cleaning that day. He later said his study had needed to be aired out. But I just think he wanted me to read his book and then tell him how good it was! Guys are so funny, sometimes. They don't want to admit that they want compliments, but they can't seem to live without them.

Anyway, I didn't mean to, but I sort of told a little fib to Yuki because I panicked. I just had this weird feeling...like, even though Shigure did want me to have it, I really wasn't supposed to. I can't explain it very well. But...I told Yuki that I saw the word in a magazine. Then he just smiled and told me not to worry about it, it wasn't important. He wouldn't say anything else when I persisted, just blushed even harder and asked me to fix him a snack if it wasn't too much bother.

I don't know why I can't leave it alone. Something about the description in the book that went along with the word fascinates me. It makes it seem important, although Yuki said it wasn't. I don't want it to seem like I don't trust Yuki, but something about his reaction made me think he just wasn't comfortable sharing his knowledge with me, and that's never happened before. Maybe Yuki thinks I'm too much of a baby to know about something like that. It is grown-up stuff I know, and something to do with how babies are made. I'm almost seventeen, though. Shouldn't I know more than that?

I looked it up on the internet, but only a list of web-sites containing some really embarrassing pictures came up, and I had to turn off the computer then. My eyes feel as though they're being burned out, except there's no pain.

Can anyone tell me what that word means?

I think I'll just ask Shigure tonight after dinner.

Hi! I'm Tohru Honda! ^_^

Somebody at school said that blogging was really fun. I thought I'd give it a try!
Um...I don't really know what to say. I guess I'll start with what I like. Because there's not a lot of room for that in the About Me section!
I like cooking and cleaning and giving advice and taking care of people, and doing everything I possibly can to make them happy. Sometimes I worry that I'm not very good at it. I'm determined to keep on trying, though. I want to find out what makes everyone happy!
My favorite color is pink. It's really pretty! Pink comes in a lot of different shades. I think rose is my favorite shade of pink. Shigure was really nice and bought me a bed with pink covers--oh, I didn't even mention who Shigure was! You probably don't know who I'm talking about! I'd better explain.
Shigure is the kind and handsome man that I live with. After my mom died, he and my classmate Yuki found me living in a tent on their property because my grandfather didn't have room for me (his house was being remodeled). I ended up staying with Shigure and Yuki, and later Kyou (he's really nice too!) for what was supposed to be just a little while. I did go to live with my grandfather again eventually, but I was so sad from missing the Souma family that I went back there to live with them and I've been living there ever since!
My biggest hero ever is my mom. Even though she's dead, I know her spirit is still with me. She's always watching over me, cheering me on! I want to make Mom proud, so I have to keep my promise to her and finish high school, although it's really tough for me.
I'm not very smart. This makes me sad sometimes. I wish I could do the things other kids do. Like getting straight A's while hardly ever studying. Yuki is so smart. I really admire him. He probably could get straight A's without ever studying, but he works really hard anyway. He's always studying! Sometimes I'm irresponsible, watching tv or talking to my friends when I should be studying. Yuki never does that, though. I hope that someday I can be more like him.
I think I'm in love with Yuki.
Is it okay to say that here?! Oh gosh, I hope so. I thought it would be since it's my journal, but maybe it's not okay. Maybe somebody will read that and hate me for it. What if Yuki finds it?! I guess I shouldn't worry about it. People pour their hearts out in these things all the time and nobody ever says anything bad about it to them.
And besides...it is getting awfully hard to live with that secret. I don't want to tell Yuki how I feel because I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way, but I feel like I have to tell someone. Sometimes, I love him so much I feel like my heart is going to burst right out of me!
Um...I'm not sure that made sense...
I'm not sure exactly when I started loving him. He was always so beautiful to me, I couldn't look away. When we were first getting to be friends, I'd be afraid to say anything at all to him because I thought I'd end up sounding really stupid. He's always so kind to me, though. He's never made me feel stupid. Not once!
He helps me with my schoolwork all the time. And even though I'm dumb and I don't get it the first dozen times, he's always so patient, explaining things over and over, smiling like he's really having fun. I bet he'd make a wonderful teacher. I told him that once and he just laughed. I think he thought I was joking. But I was serious! If he was my teacher, I'd always pay attention...
When he holds my hand, his hand is so soft and warm in mine. He smiles at me with his eyes and not just his mouth. I've never kissed anybody before, but when I look at him smiling at me like that it takes my breath away and I lean just a little bit closer, wishing he would kiss me.
He's so brave and strong and selfless. He's always giving his time and energy to help others. He's always smiling even when he's feeling really sad inside. He told me once that he just did nice things so other people would like him. What he doesn't know is that they like him already. I like him so much already. He doesn't have to be nice to me. Not ever. But he is, anyway.
Oh, well. I guess I shouldn't ramble on so much. People might get tired of me!
If there's anything I can do for anybody reading this, I hope they will let me know. I love to help out. Just tell me if you need something and I'll do it!
I should go work on my homework now. It's math! Ick. When I think about my math, I start feeling really scared. Maybe Yuki has time to help me. I hate to bother him though...I guess I should try doing it on my own first.
Oh, well. Mathbook, here I come!